Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
