She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
