: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
