I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
