you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
