So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
