this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
