I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
