I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
