If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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