Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
