bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
