The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
