i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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