Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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