we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Pants are for mortals
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
