I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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