she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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