I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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