You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
