I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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