drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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