i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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