he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The uberlube is also flammable
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
