Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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