I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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