My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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