my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
