Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just google imaged poop.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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