my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
