My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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