do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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