I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
