boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
