I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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