My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just invented taco cereal.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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