all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
