bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
