Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
