I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize