I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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