jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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