At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
