i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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