woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize