dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
