I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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