Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
