im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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