I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
