I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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