I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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