Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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