Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
