There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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