she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
