i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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