I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize