Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You left your phone here
Wait...
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